mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize
