Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
