Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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