If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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