My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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