I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
