i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
