pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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