Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize