I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
