Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
