I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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