Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Randomize
