my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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