I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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