The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
