oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
