there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
