Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
