just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize