omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
