I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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