mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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