did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
