using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
