I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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