You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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