I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize