Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I wear drunk well.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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