Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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