what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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