Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
