I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
