no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
