Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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