I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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