i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
