So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
