My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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