I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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