If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
