thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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