Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
