yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
