Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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