There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
