you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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