What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
