Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
