So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
