I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
im on a boat
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