My nipple is on Facebook.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
