My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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