you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
