it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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