I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
