Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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