i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
