Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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