just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
