i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
